Trying to Fly

2011-04-10T21:36:00.003-03:00

Job hunting.

Everyone hates it. If someone tells you they enjoy looking for a job, kick 'em in the shins and walk away. Because they, my friends, are lying.

There is so much stress and nerves associated with looking for a job. and why?? Everyone knows how awkward and painful it is to walk into a place and basically beg for a job.
Everyone has been there at some point, they know how it is. So why can't we get past this?

Why, by some weird social standard, is it necessary to completely hide who you really are, act completly polite and proper (when we all know you aren't), and try to bulls**t your way into a job?

Let's not waste everyone's time, just start off being you. They're gonna meet the real you sooner or later.

And sooner is always better.

Things I Have Learnt This Past Year

2010-12-26T14:54:00.002-04:00

People are very hypocritical. there's no sense in trying to please them
Moving away is the best/worst thing I've done yet
You will never be able to say "I Love You" enough- so do it, while you still can
As much as you love someone (and will probably always love them) sometimes it just can't work
Christmas is only a big deal when you're young. Now its just about family
There is nothing wrong with a glass (or 2) of wine every now and then
I have a hard time moving on
I know that I will someday open a restaurant
You can say you're sorry as much as you want, but in the end you'll still feel like crap
I want to do something to change the world
I have an intolerance to dairy
You have to live on your own, and make mistakes, in order to realize just how messed up you are
This whole world is a mess
Food is very important to me
You can't change people, only accept them how they are
The world would be a much better place if everyone loved just a little bit more
I can't wait for next year

It's been over 2 weeks....

2010-12-08T23:36:00.003-04:00

I am very... what's the word? Hypocritical?

Take for instance, if i am emailing/ FB Msg-ing someone. I might take a couple days to respond, but if I don't get an answer within 12 hours, I get very irritated.

It's not like I have a constant need to be noticed or even.... bleh what am I trying to say.
I don't even know anymore.

8 more days till I'm home..
4 more exams.
2 more projects.

It's way to late to be blogging about something that makes sense. and I might have gone out with some friends too.
so yea.

I have a test in 9 hours.
that I haven't studied for.
but I haven't studied for any of this instructor's tests in the past year and a half.
so I'm not too concerned.

This is so not a post anymore.
More like a letter to someone.....

I'm very anxious about stuff. all the time.
like. how is it going to turn out.
what should I say, what should I do.
is this really what I need to be doing right now.
how do I actually feel?
Cuz I so don't want to hurt anyone again....

I should go fold my laundry

Living is different than being alive

2010-12-02T17:28:00.002-04:00

**Disclaimer**
This is going to be a very weird post.

Most of my life, I've never felt the need to be married, to have a family of my own. I've always felt that being a part of something like that was not for me.

But lately, lately I've come to realize how much I'm looking forward to being a Mrs. ______. To have a child. To being a mommy.
and I'm only 19.
It's weird I know.

But I can't wait to be pregnant. To be connected to someone in that very unique way. To have a little person in my life, that I've helped to create, to bring into this world.

I'm not saying I'm looking to settle down right now. There is so much I want to do with my life that I know would not be possible with a child in tow.
I want to travel, I want to own my own business. I want to eat, I want to live, I want to love, try new things, see the pyramids, scuba dive, eat gelato in Italy, travel through brazil.
But I love knowing the fact that when the time comes, I will be ready. I will be excited about that next chapter in my life.

and that's what's been on my mind lately.

2010-11-25T18:17:00.002-04:00

The truth is,

I don't know how to be in a relationship.
I'm socially awkward, so I'm not very good at the whole getting-to-know-you stage.
Not to mention, I've never really been on a date..
so yea... relationships are not my forte.

I recently made the claim that I was done with relationships for a long time.
I haven't been single for more than 2 months since... well since I started dating actually.
But I'm finding it more and more difficult being alone. I'm not used to it. Not used to having no one to share my random thoughts, and crazy emotions with.
No one to laugh with, to cry with, to lean on.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea anymore...

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:
Relationships scare me, yet I crave them.

What a conundrum

2010-11-21T20:23:00.003-04:00

I hate sleeping alone.
And I dont mean that in a sexual way at all.

Going to bed at night, I have this feeling of being completely and totally alone.
It's cold.
It's dark.

and I just wish I had someone to cuddle with..

yea, I'm a weirdo.

Ouch, that hurt

2010-11-19T15:33:00.002-04:00

I'll admit it.

I'm a selfish person.

I like things my way. done how I like it.
and its exactly like that in relationships too.

but i hate planning things.. does that make sense?

But anyways..

He started talking to me today.
and all I could think was "No! this isn't right. you're not supposed to be happy, over me. That's how I'm supposed to be."
Why do I feel like this, why can't we just be friends?

This is what I wanted isn't it?
Then why does it feel like my heart is tearing apart whenever we talk?

How can two people who had such a connection move backwards into the friendship stage again? I don't think you can...

There's no use in right or wrong. The heart must go where it belongs.

2010-11-17T16:46:00.003-04:00

Life is good today.

I'm done trying to talk to you. To work things out. Maybe even be friends again.

The ball's in your court. I'll be here if and when you're ready.

....

In other news,
I will be home in less than a month. I don't know why I'm so excited though.. The only people I'm planning on seeing is my family.
Apparently I don't have anymore friends at home.

That's ok though..
Life is good. :)

2010-11-14T18:36:00.002-04:00

Man, I hate eating out.

I am always disappointed... Like, why can't I just have a great meal with good service??
Maybe I'm too picky.. that's probably it. but like, if I'm paying good money for this experience, I expect a good one, you know??

That's all I've got.

haha,
That's what grinds my gears.

Little Letters

2010-11-13T16:23:00.002-04:00

Dear Murray/Apparently-Un-named-Girlfriend: I would really like to know your reasoning behind banging on something repeatedly last night, for 10 minutes. Cuz right now I want to kill you.

Dear Awesome-November-Weather: Please stick around. I can wait to see snow when I go home to MB.

Dear Food: Please stop being to delicous and cravingful. I'm try to lost weight, not gain even more.

Dear-Friends-I-Left-at-Home: I really do miss you. and I know I went most of the summer not seeing any of you, but it still sucks.

Dear Year-2: You are going by way too crazy fast. I can't believe it's the middle of November already.

Dear Brain: Could you please choose one mood, and stick with it for a while? These crazy moods swings are killing me.

Dear Government-of-Canada: You Suck. Big time.

Dear Bed-At-Home: I really miss you. I hope you haven't forgotten about me.

There is no manual to living

2010-10-23T16:14:00.004-03:00

Sometimes I feel as though no one cares.

No one has the time to listen.

We're all too busy wrapped up in our own torment, our own heartbreaks, to realize the pain right beside us.

The world seems so small some days, like there isn't enough room for one more. One more soul trying to make it through this life without being destroyed. One more, just trying to get by day by day.

But then, some days this planet we're co-existing on is so big, so unforgiving and foreign. It's like trying to play a game when you don't know the rules, or how to win.

Some would say that's what makes it so great. "Make them up as you go!" "You win when you have the biggest, the best, the most expensive. When you're happy". You are in control, they'll say. Make life what You want from it.

But is it really that easy?
I wish it was. But it isn't. There are consequences to your actions. You have to live with the results of your decisions. So in a way, you really aren't in control.

You're just trying to make it out alive.

2010-10-19T14:29:00.002-03:00

how do you go from being closer than close with someone one day, to complete strangers the next?

being forced to act like what you used to have was never there, to pretend that the memories never happened?

how do you wake up one morning, and go about life, "ok" with the fact that things have completly changed.

Or is it a gradual process?
in the days, weeks, months leading up to this inevitable change, what happens? Were there signs that I missed. Did others know what was coming?
I guess in a way I knew.

something happened. But I ignored the signs, the hints.
They whispered to me at night "this isn't right. remember how it used to be?" "Do you have any idea what you're doing to him? To yourself?".
putting doubts in my head, the idea was planted.

But i pushed it aside.
kept going.
ignoring the fact that the world I had built around me was slowly crumbling.

So here I am.
surrounded in ruins.
forced to build that wall back up around myself before someone can get in.
before there's a chance to be hurt again.
Me or him.

Closure

2010-10-17T18:39:00.003-03:00

Closure.

How do you find it?
What is it?

Is it being able to see his FB page and not stalking every new picture, looking for signs of him moving on?

Is is being able to think about him, the memories we have, and not feel like your heart is being ripped out?

Being able to look at all the pictures from the last 2 years of your life without breaking apart?

Not wonder what he's doing, How he's doing, if he's moving on?

Not hoping that he's as miserable as you are, but yet hoping he's doing ok?

We didn't even have a chance at closure.
Life was moving too fast.
Spinning us too far apart.
I didn't even have time to realize what I'd lost.

But now.
Now, all I have is time.
Time to think.
Thinking is something I do too much.

I lost my bestfriend.
The person who knew me, probably better than anyone.
The one person who could take me at my worst, and love me at my best.
He knew what to say, how to react.

And now that's gone.
We're strangers.
Tied together by something weird. awkward.
Something that you're just supposed to move on from; get over.

But I can't.
Not without Closure.

Hello Year 2

2010-10-14T15:10:00.002-03:00

I miss you.
most people would assume they know who "you" is, but they are more than likely wrong. and sadly, know little about my life these days.
This summer was a huge life lesson. I learnt so much about myself. about what I want to do. about other people. about life.

....
Life.
Something I will probably never figure out.

God, I miss you.

I miss the summer,
and all the stupid people I worked with at that stupid place. <3
but I can't wait to go back.

I met our neighbour this morning. His name is Mark, or Matt.. I don't remember anymore. I'm terrible with names.

Today was the second day of class.. we've already recieved like 5 projects. this year's gonna be intense.

Could this post be anymore random?
It's literally just all the thoughts that have been flying around my head for the last day or so.

I don't know why I even bother though.
No one reads this.
No one cares enough to ask me how things are going.
How I'm doing.

I'm going to have a serious FB clean up pretty soon. I have less than 200 friends, but 3/4 of them have no interaction with myself.
pointless.

I think I'm on drugs.

(jk, if you're reading this mom)

Just Can't Shake This Mood

2010-10-08T21:53:00.002-03:00

I miss having friends.

I miss high school. even though I was so lame, at least I had friends who were as lame and childish as me.

I hate growing up.

I miss the summer. all I did was work. But I loved it.

I miss you. So much it hurts. but I can't turn back. You're just a memory now.

I wish I could listen to the music I love without always thinking of you. Evey song, every artist on my ipod, somehow reminds me of you. I have nothing anymore. Country is my only escape.

I made a huge mistake. I can't find forgiveness when I can't even forgive myself.

I hate being alone. But I am so terrible at making new friends. Meeting new people scares me so much.
and I'm so bad at keeping in touch with old ones..... where did you all go??

Silence can be so deafening

Facts About Allison

2010-09-27T18:41:00.003-03:00

Whenever I come home, country music is the only music that seems appropriate. Something about the prairies, I guess.
One of the first things I do once I log onto FB, is check his page. Everytime.
I have made/spent more money this summer than any 19-year old should (or so I think).
I really want to get dreadlocks, turn full-hippie, and work in a kitchen for the rest of my life.... but I know it wouldn't be a good life choice.
I ate 1125 calories at lunch today.
If I never had to wear pants again, I wouldn't.
My addiction to caffeine is ridiculous.
I'm going to Las Vegas in January, and am more excited about the food than the booze/gambling.
I have no idea where the summer went. It feels like I just got home... 5 months ago.
I got my first speeding ticket a couple of weeks ago. I'm surprised it took this long.

Wake Me Up When September Ends...

2010-09-14T22:55:00.002-03:00

seriously. please do.

September has been a crappy month all around.

work is getting ridiculous.
My days are filled with getting up early, working for 9-10 hours, crashing on the couch for a couple hours, then falling asleep just to do it again...
I really need a day off.

Though today I was given the idea to apply for EI for the winter, as this is just a seasonal job... so hopefully that works out. But the stupid service canada website is so confusing, and unhelpful. I've been reading it for over an hour and have like, a billion questions.
blergh.
nothing can ever be easy.

2 More Weeks....

2010-09-06T02:01:00.002-03:00

It's been a month, and all of a sudden it just hit me.

I am all alone.
I feel like i'm missing a part of myself.

and its all my fault, and i know i can't have him back.
Cuz i can't be honest with him, with myself.

I miss my best friend.

...full of regret

my thought's are jumbled

2010-09-05T02:27:00.003-03:00

Do you ever feel like you just don't belong anywhere?

That you keep screwing up your life, over and over again?

That your life is just one big regret?

yea, me neither.........

It's been a while....

2010-09-02T12:05:00.002-03:00

Lately, I've been feeling very lost, and not sure who I am anymore.

I ended an 18-month relationship with my best friend, my sister is now happily involved with a guy, and it just makes me feel like we've completely changed roles over the past couple of weeks.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's happy, but was I like that too? Every other sentence has his name in it, and spending countless hours online talking to him. I apologize.

And now, I'm feeling burnout at work. Everything bores me, and by the end of my shift I am irritated by everyone. I don't understand how I will be able to continue this career path if I am already bored of my job after 4 months..

so many questions, so much stress.

but hardly any answers

Things I Like

2010-09-01T19:23:00.002-03:00

Fast food.

Cute gas station boys.

3 weeks cltoser to leaving.

Tattoos.

Anthony Bourdain.

Boursin.

Cleaning out my FB.

and You.

1 Down, 1 To Go

2010-04-23T21:52:00.001-03:00

I am 100% done my first year of college.

ok..
so not really.
I still need to complete a 500 hour internship before next fall.
and I have yet to find a job....

Why is it that school's over, and I'm feeling even more stressed out than before??

I miss highschool.

Northern Downpour Sends Its Love.

2010-04-18T22:46:00.004-03:00

Its been a week since I posted.. so I guess that kind of ended my 365 project! I'm still going to try and post pictures more often, but everyday was just too demanding for me.

So this past week has been... Challenging, in more than a few ways. It was the second last week of classes for me, so everything at school's getting a little chaotic. and on top of that I'm still trying to find somewhere to complete my internship for the summer.... busy busy busy.

Also this past week had some relationship problems as well, but everything's fine now-more or less....

But I'm pressing onward, and upward!
Here's to my last week of my first year of college, may the 5 exams not kill me. :)

Days like today

2010-04-11T23:20:00.002-03:00

This picture isn't from today (I wish-that'd mean I was home again!), but seeing as I spent nearly all my day struggling to finish my paper... I really didn't have any great Photo Op's.

For some reason, today I was struck with how much I <3 this boy. I never expected to fall this hard, this young. But I have :)
and every day I'm even more thankful he's in my life.
even when he drives me crazy!

Two for One

2010-04-10T11:07:00.003-03:00

Two pictures today cuz I totally forgot to post yesterday before falling asleep at like, 10 p.m. man, I was wiped! I think I look completely retarded in this one! But I literally had no other ideas... so there ya go! p.s. my hair doesn't actually look like that. it was acting stupid!

When we went grocery shopping last week, we had to bring this home! I love how they can't call it "Alphagetti's", so they went with the obvious, "Spell Bits".

I hate how lame my pics have all been lately, but i've been trying to focus on these last two weeks of class, and I have a major assignment due on Monday! So I'm kinda stressing about that.... Everyone loves food pics though, right??

Now That's a Brownie!

2010-04-08T14:33:00.002-03:00

I kid you not, this was probably the biggest brownie for $1.25 I have ever seen! Colossal Brownie!

And it was the epitome of the perfect brownie. The top was crip and crunchy, the middle was chewy, moist, and almost fudgey, with the perfect sprinking of nuts throughout.

Can you tell I'm in love??

Sorry about all the food pics lately...

Maybe I'll try to be more creative, what with the weather so beautiful, and it nearly being the end of week!

CAKE!

2010-04-06T23:16:00.002-03:00

You know your day might be turning around, when you have dessert like this at school...

unfortunetly,

it did not.

Happy Monday!

2010-04-05T20:38:00.002-03:00

Here's to Easter chocolate, and watching Buffy with your best friend.

The Promise of Spring

2010-04-04T14:05:00.004-03:00

As usual, I have forgotten to post. So today we have two pictures. The first:

Adrienne and I went to Starbucks and she had her first Frappucino. EVER. I swear, this girl lives under a rock! :)

My second picture today, is of these gorgeous flowers that are blooming all over the city!

I love how alive the whole city's became over the past couple of days. The park across from our apartment is bustling with activity, and there's so many more pedestrians and bikers out! I suppose warmer than normal weather will do that.

Translation, please?

2010-04-02T23:24:00.003-03:00

We walk past this barbed-wire fence whenever we want to go Tim's, or Wendy's.

and within the fence is a huge, grassy, over-grown lot.

No idea why it's fenced in, but it has an awesome sign posted on it:

Translation, please?

Social Experiments

2010-04-02T13:13:00.004-03:00

Sorry about not posting yesterday, I'll do two posts today to make up for it!

So on our way home from school we walked past a group of oddly dressed people, standing at a busy downtown corner handing out flyers.
Being the type of person who generally ignore people such as those, I increased my speed and started talking louder in an attempt to not be stopped by this group.
As we walked past, ignoring them, one guy (wearing what looked to be a viking helmet) asked "would you like a flyer?".
"No thanks!" I said, as polietly as I could, and we kept on walking.

Then as we entered the mall we noticed one of thier flyers on the floor, and this is what it read:

maybe I shouldn't be so hasty to rush past people? I wish I was the type of person who would've stopped and listened to that guy, even just for a minute...

Isn't it the weekend yet??

2010-03-31T22:06:00.001-03:00

I think this one speaks for itself.

It's in a really neat place though. You don't really notice it unless you're walking in the right direction on the right street.

Walking Through the Fog

2010-03-30T22:32:00.002-03:00

I took this picture on my walk to school this morning. They're doing construction, and building a hotel, in the middle of a city block. So it was kind of neat to see the crane looming overhead through the heavy fog..

...

in other news,

I'm getting beyond stressed about my internship this summer.. so far I've applied to three different places, and I'm going to send out two more resumes but I'm really starting to worry about securing a job for the summer.. Like, it wouldn't be that big of a deal except I HAVE to get a job to complete my course. so its pretty important.

p.s.

sorry about the late posting. I seem to only have time right before bed!

Day Uno

2010-03-29T15:54:00.007-03:00

I've seen this idea a couple of times, and now my friend is doing it on FB, so I decided to join the bandwagon.

Project 365.
A picture a day for an entire year.
Here's a link if you want more info on the whole idea: http://content.photojojo.com/tutorials/project-365-take-a-photo-a-day/

I think it's a really good idea for my blog, as some days I have absolutly nothing to talk about. So here we go.

This picture isn't actually from today, but rather my birthday that was last wednesday. It's so cute though, that I wanted to start with it!

(It reads: You two are like a rainbow- different coulors, same hearts).

Our youngest sister made this and sent it to us for our birthday. I have no idea how she came up with this. But I think its adorable!

2010-03-20T12:47:00.002-03:00

I hate feeling as though I need to write a new post.
To update my blog.

I wish that I always have something to write about.
but most days,
well most days I don't.

....
Tomorrow is the last day of my spring break.
One of the most boring weeks of my life. lol

I ate too much food,
stayed up waaay too late (3 a.m. -WHAT?!),
watched too much tv,
and didn't do nearly enough homework.

It was great. :)

In other news!
My sister will be here in a month and 15 days! AAAAAAHHHH!!
That's how excited I am!!!
I cannot wait.

That also means that in a month and 20 days I will be on my way home again!

Everything's happening so fast. :)

Searching

2010-03-16T00:25:00.002-03:00

Have you ever had a glimpse, a taste, a spilt-second of the exact flavour you're craving?

It happens to me all the time.
and then its gone.

leaving me sadly unsatisfied at my next meal.

....
am I crazy??

the verdicts still out.

a new outlook?

2010-03-15T12:51:00.002-03:00

I put my blog on an indefinite hiatus..
aaannd.
I guess I'm back.

I'm sure I have zero followers now, but that's ok.
I don't need anyone to comment, anyone to even read my posts, to feel as though what I write matters.

So Here I Am.

Welcome back.

2009-12-17T16:14:00.002-04:00

2 hours from now, I will be on my way home.

can you say excited?!

i cannot cannot cannot wait to be home!

not really looking forward to the 12 hours of travelling, but

its gonna be a great 2 1/2 weeks!

:)

see you in manitoba

Tis the Season

2009-12-16T16:55:00.003-04:00

This year, I've tried to focus more on giving then recieving.
even as a poor college kid. :)

I really dont care if the only thing I get this year, is to be home.

Home with my family.
Home with my other half.

I think everyone should spend this christmas season focusing on the real reason of the season. Not the materialistic, presents present presents!, buy me this, way christmas is for alot of people.

Can you tell I can't wait to be home!

leaving tomorrow night.

.....still haven't packed!

:)

2009-12-15T14:52:00.003-04:00

I fail at being a grown up.
at owning a cell phone.
at being responsible.

in the little over a month that i have had this phone, and contract i have managed to pay my phone company a whopping $361.

epic fail.

2009-12-13T22:03:00.001-04:00

I love not having friends.
I really do.

...
it gives me lots of time for.. school.. and.. stuff.

gah!
i can't wait to go home..
i really don't want to come back.

food with no name

2009-12-12T21:15:00.002-04:00

Do you have a family recipe that you've been making/eating/enjoying for years?
Yet you would never serve it to guests.

'Cause more than likely, they would question it, and then your sanity?
just kidding.

but seriously,
dont we all have those meals that some people just wouldn't understand?
but the food is comforting, familiar, a tradition.
A great reminder of home.

where I will be in 5 days!

and alot of the time, this meal doesnt even have a name. just a pan of deliciousness. that's where its at.

the 60's would've been an epic time to grow up

2009-12-11T23:40:00.002-04:00

Have you ever watched the intro to a movie, and want to applaude?
Pirate Radio will do that to you.

the actors, the characters.
the story.
the MUSIC!

ah! gah!
One of the best films i've seen in a long time.
So much spirit, and energy.

Passion.
They had passion, for music.
for something they believed in so strongly, nothing could stop them.

I highly suggest watching Pirate Radio.
Right Now.

Hometown Heros, National Nobodies

2009-12-10T18:52:00.003-04:00

I feel like there's something on my mind,

Something I need to say.

...but for the life of me, I can't put it into words.

I'm tired of feeling stressed, and tired, and lonely,

and I can't wait to go home and be surrounded by people I care about

People that care about me.

I want to go home.

You say you want a revolution....

2009-12-08T13:49:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to wonder if I'm in the right place.
Am I where I'm supposed to be?

Why doesnt this feel right?

I dont know,
and I dont know if or how I can change it.

I want to do something I'm passionate about; something that will change the world.
and I'm not sure if that's gonna happen where I am right now.
I dont even know what I want to do!

move to Africa?
teach english in Poland?
go live with the kangaroos in Australia?
live on a beach in Mexico?
China.
India.
Dominican Republic.
Cruise ship.
Orphanage.
Sahara Desert.
Alaska.

where am I meant to be?

12 days 12 days 12 days! <3

2009-12-05T12:05:00.002-04:00

It is the 5th of December, and there is no snow.
none.
In fact, it rained yesterday.

what is up with that?!
how can it be the christmas season with no snow?
hopefully there will be tons and tons of snow at home! :)
that would make it all perfect.

So Koodo is turning out to be a great phone company.
They've helped me understand what happened, and what I can do to fix it.
all in all, its not as bad as I first thought.
so thats great.

ooooo
guess what movie i'm gonna see tonight?!
WHIP IT!
I'm beyond excited! I love Ellen Page, and I was really disappointed I didn't get to see it when it was in theatres.
yay for small indie theatres, with cheap tickets! a college kid's best friend. :)

have a great weekend,

Bring on December. It can't be worse than November!

2009-11-30T21:36:00.002-04:00

what an awful way to end a not so spectacular month.
This has literally been the day from Hell (pardon my french).
and, it turns out, most of it could have been avoided if I wasn't so sadly brain damaged...

So here's my day (in as small of a nutshell as possible):

walk to school, and realize that i'm wearing my "holey" shoes. shoes not meant for walking through puddles. meant to be thrown out 3 months ago. (also realize deoderant should've been on the list on saturday. alright, lets slather on the perfume!)
get to school and get to take a math test! we all know how fun those always are! especially since you gave up understanding math in grade 8.
realize halfway through the math test, that your phone will not send, receive texts/calls. can see a problem coming on.
end up calling Koodo, and find out that in my first month of service with them, i've racked up a bill for... wait for it.... 230+ dollars. in. one. month. my account has been suspended until i pay atleast half of it. and my credit card hasn't been verified yet, so thats not an option.
wind up nearly cry, yelling, hissy-fitting at school during lunch.
buy a chocolate bar from the vending machine and (of course) it gets stuck in the machine. so i have to buy two chocolate bars. I ate them both.
skip my last class to come home and a) cry for a little bit. b) call koodo again and try to get figure out where these charges came from. and c) cry some more.
turns out, my 5 essentials didn't include my boyfriend's phone number! what kind of idiot am I!?
finally give up and call my mommy.
she tells me to calm down, helps me pay it off, and figure it out. I love her.

and that is my day to end all days.

lets hope december turns out to be a heck of a whole lot better......

TFK = Hardcore Love

2009-11-26T14:44:00.002-04:00

dieting makes me cranky.
and its not even dieting, really.
just trying to eat healthier, and control my portion sizes..
but man do i miss sugar. that 3:00 diet pepsi and kit kat.

but on a plus side,
i will be on my way home with my BFF in three weeks.

though, we are looking for a DeLorean, so we might end up there sooner. :)

Happy Thanksgiving to any american readers. even though you are like, a month late :)
enjoy your pumpkin pie

**sorry for the lack of posts lately. but i really feel as though i have nothing to say. only complaints. i could write for hours about things i'm not pleased with lately. but i wont. no one wants that.**

thursday sometimes feels like monday

2009-11-19T09:23:00.002-04:00

I love walking to school in the morning.
Its so calm, quiet, peaceful.

It gives me a chance to clear my head.
a time to think.

and I love how the air smells in the morning!
the closer i get to school, and the waterfront, the air smells like the ocean!

what a great way to start the day...

now if only my brain would wake up.

Random thinkings, from a _______ mind.

2009-11-16T10:53:00.007-04:00

that space could be filled with: sad, twisted, lonely, angry, hungry, silly, or even beautiful.

DID YOU KNOW:

- Charlottetown has more tim hortons than Brandon. But Brandon has a bigger population. figure that one out.
-The weather has been abnormally warm for this time of the year. and i love it!

-I hate wearing pants. I wish i had more legging/skirt combos. and a pair of boots so i could wear them in the winter.. i wish i had money i could spend on clothes.
-I dont have class till Thursday. Oh what a tough course load I have. ah haha.
-Omlettes are amazing. Broccoli, mushroom, cheese. mmmmm!
-I think that Taylor Swift is not at all pretty. yea. I said it.

..I would really like it if Adam _______, would tell people that he changed his phone number. Cuz I'm not going to pay his student loan. and the phone calls are getting annoying.

One month, and one day until i'm on my way home. and I can't wait. I miss everyone. everything.

Imissyou.

I miss the romance we used to have.

I miss the conversations that made me laugh, and were the best part of my day.

I miss the way you used to make me feel.

I want it back. I want you back....

I don't know what's changed. me? you? probably me. I've been feeling very apathetic lately.

and it's wrecking us. and I dont know how to fix it...

Some things are better left unsaid...

2009-11-11T10:32:00.003-04:00

Have you ever been so hurt, so angry, so frustrated, that you push everything away and retreat into a state of feelingless.
To hide from the pain,
So that you don't start crying in front of nearly complete strangers. again. and again.

I honestly cannot remember the last time i've felt like this. Had to resort to feeling nothing, in attempt to get away from the pain.
Am i being excessive? taking this too far?
I dont know. I dont think so.
I feel... betrayed. I've lost a friend, because they were too stubborn to admit their mistake, and i'm too hurt (ok, and stubborn) to forgive them anyways.

I just so mad at them. So mad i start shaking if I think about it.
"How could you act like this?" I wonder.
"Why didnt you just talk to me, explain, and apologize?"
and thats probably what is frustrating me the most.
I will never get an apology from them.
Just own up to your actions, dickwad.

and stop trying to make me feel guilty.
i didnt do anything.
right?
what should i apologize for? assuming you were my friend? believing that you could be responsible for something of mine? Trying to find out what was going on, even when no one could/would tell me anything?
Well I'm Sorry.

Sorry that things had to end this way.
but we've both made our choices.
Live With It

halloween is stupid

2009-10-31T21:40:00.002-03:00

We're (myself and Adrienne) starting a band.

Metal Shavings and Mushrooms

and we're looking for a drummer.

songs already chosen:
-Stop it Allison, I'm feeling kind of sick.
-I could've totally keyed that car.
-Or it might've been the Chinese
-You need to Stop Shouting

some days...

2009-10-21T21:55:00.004-03:00

why is it so hard for you.......
ok fine.
why is it so hard for me. me. ME. to accept myself the way i am.
to not critize how i look in those jeans,
or stress cuz my hair isn't laying right today.

Why am I so concerned with fitting into a certain size?
its just a number.
why does it matter?
would i really be more beautiful, more confident if i were a size 6. a size 8.

i think so.
i really, truly do.
and i know that so many people (the people that love me, care about me) think i'm beautiful just the way i am.
but i dont see it.

i'm way too fixed on my flaws. my faults.
i cant see past them to the apparent beauty that is there.

It's discouraging,
tiring,
exhausting.
to be constantly worried about what people are thinking about me. the first impression i'm giving off.

i just want to be comfortable with who i am,
how i look.

...some days its hard to get out of bed.

Love is all You need

2009-10-20T18:07:00.001-03:00

(i know the title doesnt fit the pic, but..... i love the beatles!)

I think fall is a very romantic time of year.

The colours! the flavours! everything about it just does something to my heart

don't you agree?

Not my best week ever...

2009-10-16T22:12:00.002-03:00

Firefly marathon anyone?

Definitly the best way to spend a rainy friday night

that and amazing cappucinos

Have a great weekend!

the best kind of prize is a Surprise

2009-10-10T16:20:00.002-03:00

My boyfriend is the Best! Sending me flowers for no reason..

I'd say he's a keeper! :)

Love you, Mack.

Silliness is mandatory for happiness

2009-10-09T18:51:00.003-03:00

Dear Boyfriend;
I'm sorry i epically fail at long distance-ness. i have trouble basing our relationship on only phone calls. thank you for always loving me.

Dear Rain;
Please go away. You are not welcome anymore. I hope you understand.

Dear bed-at-home;
I miss you. alot.

Dear Sisster;
thank you for putting up with my silliness/stupidity. You are one of few who actually understand me.

Dear favorite-pair-of-jeans;
Could you please stop shrinking. You're making things uncomfortable

Dear Panic at the Disco;
was it really neccesary to rid your name of the (!)? you've definitly lost some cool points....

Happy Thanksgiving!

this is incredible.. what some people can do with the "gaffiti" app on FB

2009-10-08T16:27:00.001-03:00

October's a refreshing month

2009-10-07T13:01:00.002-03:00

Things that make me happy:

Friendly cafeteria cashier ladies who all but call me by my first name
Weathermen who are wrong
Cruiseships at the harbour
$2 Lattes
haircuts
friends with ductape
Long distance Love (and all its possibilities)
Skype
Plaid/pancakes
The old man who comes and sits in the park outside my building. every single day
the colour purple
Firefly

Constant Sunshine creates a desert.

2009-10-06T13:53:00.002-03:00

but having a sunny outlook on life sure does help!

I'm having a great day!
i have a haircut booked for tomorrow (whooooohhooo!)
and this weekend we're spending thanksgiving with a couple of other manitobans living on the east coast!

Aaand i'm starting my 4 week OJT in the dining room next next week (next week is training though! and getting my uniform!)!
i am so excited to be getting out of the classroom and into practical work!

also the plus side of working for the next 4 weeks? they're gonna go by super fast, thus we'll be home even sooner! (atleast in my mind thats how it works...)

its also pretty sweet to get random, thoughtful msg on your FB wall :)
here i was considering deleting my FB altogether, but its stuff like that, that really make having one worthwhile!

Happy Tuesday!

I only feel like blogging after lunch.

2009-10-01T12:25:00.003-03:00

I feel fat...
but it was nice to wear new clothes today!
My mom and I shop online together, and this morning as i was trying to find something to wear, i got a call from downstairs that I had received a package!
So i raced downstairs with only a few minutes to spare before having to leave. Opened the package, put on the first thing i saw, and headed out the door.
Wouldn't it be nice to start every day like that. Receive a package of what you are to wear for the day..
it would definitely make life more manageable!

On another note, I've decided to cut my hair.. I was thinking kinda chin lengthy bob... or inverted bob maybe.. kinda like these two:

whadda think?
i'm thinking more of the second one! too cute!
aaand i would love to colour my hair too, but alas. money does not grow on trees, nor does it appear whenever you need it..
so hopefully a haircut will be enough to satisfy spontaneous me...

Peace,

humidity makes my hair look dumb

2009-09-29T12:28:00.002-03:00

i'm not used to all this humidity!

if you look out your window and its raining and windy, you should probably wear a jacket against the cold right?

wrong.
you barely need to wear a sweater, let alone a jacket.. how can it be so warm, yet raining? i dont understand this one...

So we have been here for almost a month. I have had a two tests (another on thursday) at school and am half done a couple of my courses.
Do i feel settled in?
for the most part, yes.

Am i comfortable with the city and walking around downtown?
It feels like i've been here for months already.

Am i getting very sick of seafood.
you have no idea

Do i miss home?
I miss it more than i can put into words. the familiarity, the ease, the weather(!), my family, my friends (who all seem too busy to be in contact with me at all...), and most of all my other half.
I had no idea how hard this would be.
Its supposed to get easier, but i honestly think it gets worse every day. I'm not saying that i dont love it here, or regret it, but i've already started a countdown to christmas break.

That being said (and its all i seem to talk about lately....)
lunch was disappointing today.
It's a culinary school, so up until now lunch has been good, even if it was alittle different.
but today.
today was just not doin' it for me.
The only good part was the puree of pumpkin soup with nutmeg creme fresh.
yummy.

Oooo.
guess what i'm gonna do tonight?!
thats right! hook up the ol' N64!
i'm beyond excited haha

peace,

Macksickness hits at the strangest times

2009-09-25T11:02:00.003-03:00

why am i so jealous of one person?
so full of anger and... dislike(?) for someone i hardly know.
why cant i let go of these feelings of jealousy, bitterness, and paranoia?

i cant stop worrying about what might happen while i'm away. and why? why do i drive myself to the edge of extreme panic for absolutly no reason. well i think i have a reason, but every sane person in my life would say that i'm acting crazy.

but i cant help it.
I know the history. I know what can happen when two people are apart. Already, we're not talking nearly as much as we used to. hardly any FB messages. and i dont know how to fix it.
how to remind him how much he means to me, and explain to him how i feel. 'Cuz to him, i'm being silly. He's already told me that. So where do i find reassurance? How do i keep my sanity (and my relationship) stable?

i have no idea.
and i'm getting very tired of crying

Looking back.. it wasnt so bad.

2009-09-23T12:29:00.004-03:00

i honestly have no idea if anyone is even reading this little project of mine, but if you are(!) then i ask you this:

have you ever read my posts from last january/February??!
oh man, were they something!
the thoughts, the emotions, that were poured into every post!

i miss that.
that creative energy.
those insightful posts into the mind of a 17 year old girl.

i wish i could write like that now,
but those feelings, that person, are gone.

and i'm really not sure how to get them back.
or maybe i should just move on.
let my writing go somewhere else. be something else.
something bigger?
something better?

idk, but i feel like my feelings are more personal now.
i didnt used to be afraid of speaking what was on my mind, on my heart.
but now that my emotions seem so real,
so intense.
so big.

i'm not sure how much of them i want to be sharing with anyone who has access to the internet...

so now i have to decide.

share nothing about my personal life,
or share it all..
'cuz in the middle doesn't seem to be able to work..

making friends is hard. keeping them is harder.

2009-09-22T12:38:00.001-03:00

i have a head cold...

not a good day so far.

that is all...

2009-09-20T16:12:00.002-03:00

i've had a rough couple of days..

firstly i've been feeling slightly homesick. for my boy. lol

and just recently i've realized that in the next year i will be home for probably only one month.
2 weeks at christmas (one of which he will be away), and then maybe two seperate weeks sometime during the summer before/after my internship..
so that was more than a little depressing....

and with this realization brings alot of questions.

questions that i feel much too young to be thinking about, let alone answering!

dont get me wrong, i love it out here! i love my classes (other than marketing, but who would love that!), i love this city, i love living with my sister and exploring together, aaand! i'm finally beginning to make friends.

but i cant help but wonder,
if this was a bad choice....

if coming here is going to have a very negative and permanent result on our relationship..
i know it shouldn't... but being this young, and so far apart for so long.. you gotta wonder...

hopefully this week brings answers, peace, and reassurance..

It's hard loving someone 4000 miles away

2009-09-16T22:22:00.003-03:00

its not that i dont trust him,

or our relationship..

i'm just generally a paranoid and worrysome person,
so i obsess and over analyze every little status update on FB,
worry he (or I) is gonna forget about what we have, about who we are together.

i believe that he is over his ex, even realizes what a bad decision she was, but i cant help but hate it when she comments on his pictures, status', posts.........

i'm having trouble only talking for like... less than an hour every day.
We used to talk for 2-3 hours every day, now when we're on the phone i'm grumpy, knowing how little time we have to talk.
i need communication, reassurance.

christmas is still forever away,
am I worth waiting forever for?

**(sorry this is a post fully of nothing... just needed to sort out my mind/feelings. and talking to him only brings tears... emotions are running wild..)**

Cause I am bigger than this place, and so far from alone.

2009-09-12T22:54:00.002-03:00

The past few days have been very...
boring.
sedentary.
rough.
lonely.

I'm having a surprisingly hard time.. but the more i think about it, it seems as though i'm make this all hard..
i need a better attitude,
a better outlook.
an open mind,
an open heart.
to the possibilities that await me in this city.

to the chances and oportunities i need to pursue.

i need to push myself forward,
towards change.

i need motivation.
reassurance.

maybe i'll find it tomorrow?
tomorrow's a new day,
a new week.
a new adventure.

Let's see where life takes me.

imisshim.

Sipping Tea

2009-09-09T17:23:00.002-03:00

Just sitting here enjoying my tea, and the view from my window, after saying goodbye to my mother and sister until Christmas.

Wondering,

was this really the best decision?
will i ever make atleast a couple friends here?
will i be able to survive the next 9 months without a car?
am i going to be able to befriend one of my 13 classmates?
am i going to gain more weight, instead of taking it off (like i should)?
and how in the world do you use powdered laundy detergent?!

today just seems to be all about questions....

starting to feel more like home..

2009-09-08T19:53:00.004-03:00

I think i'm falling in love with downtown Charlottetown.

Its soo pretty and full of such cute little shops!

and 2! movie theatres! one indie, and one.... i'm not sure. lol. but it has the best name ever. "THE MACK"! how sweet is that! lol

but yea, next time we're our racing to class, i'll make sure to snap a few pic of the beautiful streets!

(Bad quality- Sorry! taken from a moving car! lol)

the first 4 days (Picture Heavy Post!) (sorry in advance!)

2009-09-07T10:28:00.009-03:00

So as usual, I've been way too busy to post something everyday, so now i'm going to try to highlight 4 days all in one post!

Day 1.

we packed up all our earthly belongings into 6 suitcases, and 2 rubbermaids (along with 2 carry-ons!), and headed to the airport for the first of two flights... As you can probably tell from the pic, Adrienne, isn't the best with flying, where as i tend to love it! (and yes, i wear my sunglasses almost constantly!)
After a long day of travelling we arrived on the Island. Our "home" for next 9 months!

Day 2.

Day 2 was our busiest day yet! we picked up our rental car (a vibe! so cute!), then drove pretty much all over the island... first we went and had lunch at "Fisherman's Wharf", then continued onto an "Anne of Green Gables" museum, which was actually L.M. Montgomery's childhood home. Then to a Wax musuem for Nicole (isn't she adorable in that pic!), finally along to Cavendish Beach, which was absolutly gorgeous! When we got back to Charlottetown, we found a mall (YAY!) and a superstore, so we bought some groceries. speaking of groceries, holy man! buying food sucks lol... but then again i hate spending money lol...

onto DAY 3!

We got up early and moved some stuff into our res... it's pretty small, but then again we have our own bathroom and kitchen, and we each have our own tv!

so then we drove up to North Rustico and went deep. sea. fishing!

It was soo much fun (alittle cold though.. maybe a sweater next time would be better!), and we all caught a couple fish!

As we were driving back "home" we passed kind of like, a farmer's market thingy and bought fresh local potatoes and corn!

So we had fish and potatoes for supper!

Day 4!

Day 4 was a pretty quiet day. We got up late and went to church. Everyone there was super friendly and very welcoming! so that was reassuring! After church we drove out to see the confederation bridge (my camera was pretty much dead, so no pictures!), and went across to New Brunswick! We also calculated that it would take us 3 hours to go visit Kristen and Tyler, so we passed on that idea! Then we came back, found a sobey's and stocked up our kitchen (thanks to Aunty linda!)

Supper last night was the best fish and chips i've ever had! So SO So good! it was a little seafood restaurant, kind of how Pizza Express is to Brandon.. you know?

So yea, that brings us to today, where we are going to fully move into res... and meet other kids.. so that should be fun...

wish us luck!

Change is never easy.

2009-09-04T20:19:00.003-03:00

So this blog has yet again decided to go into another direction!

i have changed it to share my story. Our story.

Living and going to school in Charlottetown, PEI.

Join us for this year's journey!

and as always, commented and well wishes are always loved!

ba derp a derp....

2009-08-13T11:46:00.002-03:00

In exactly 3 weeks, my life will be turned upside down.

am i excited? for sure!

am i nervous? anxious? worried? stressing? terrified? Unbelievably!

I'm starting to wonder if i can really move across the country, with just my sister, and survive for 9 months! and then do it all again next year!
My biggest fear? living so far away from my family and my boy.

i'm afraid of losing what we have just so i can chase my dreams. does he look at it like i'm leaving him behind for bigger and better things? will i be blamed if things dont work for us? can i really handle a long distance relationship for another 9 months? after a previous 6 apart?

theres just too many questions.
and not enough answers.

And All That Jazz

2009-08-03T15:37:00.003-03:00

every day i sign into blogger.
fully intent on posting something.
anything.

but everyday, once i'm here, I can't think of a single thing to say that doesn't revolve around myself, and my boy.

and i know that i MUST have something else i can talk about... right?

well i can tell you that in exactly one month, i will be on a plane flying to my new home.
and with that change, i've also decided to change my blog a little..

So within the month, this will be more about the adventure of the coming year, and all that jazz.
I hope that this blog will be a window into our (Adrienne and I) lives out East for all the people reading this.

stay tuned!

P.S.
He comes home tomorrow!!!!
(sorry i had to say something!)

i want this relationship to turn into a lifetime....

2009-07-28T21:15:00.002-03:00

one more week to go...

7 days.
168 hours.
10 080 minutes.

till i see my better half again.

or am i his better half?

we're both just better together.

and i love the person that i become with him around,
and i wish i could bottle it; and keep it with me forever.

'cuz come september, everything's going to change..
but we'll deal with that as it comes!

this next month is going to be legend-wait for it. dary! legendary!

:D

wedding plans!

2009-07-24T23:52:00.004-03:00

i haven't talked about this at all, but my sister's getting married in TWO weeks!

yes, two weeks! and i haven't said a word about it yet!

crazy.

ok so, yea, her and her fiancee got engaged on easter weekend, so it's been a crazy short engagement.

but its been alot of fun helping plan for her big day!

the only problem?

i've been asked to give a toast..

so i'm pretty worried about it..

but we had a shower tonight!

and it was alot of fun to see all the gifts!

its been a while

2009-07-23T14:11:00.002-03:00

wow.
i haven't been on here in like.. two weeks at least...

alot has happened.
or not.

this month of july has been one of the slowest and most boring summer months ever!

nothing has really happened, so i haven't felt like blogging..

though really, if i really stop and think i'm sure i could have found one intersting thing to write about everyday. no matter how small it was...

so that is my goal for the next month and a half.
writing about something- anything everyday.
and hopefully with some pictures too!

2009-07-06T12:02:00.002-03:00

i did alot of thinking on our familie's weekend roadtrip...

one of the biggest things i've realized is how much i've grown and matured over the past year.

2008, well it was a rough year for many reasons. and yes, i did cause most of the pain myself.
but hey, i learnt from it all.

if you compare this summer to summer last year, i have completly changed.
no longer working till 11-12 at night. coming home at ridic. hours. being snarly and rude to my family.

i can actually have a good conversation with my dad. and my mom (most days! :P)

and i have tried so many new things this past year too!

some bad ideas (cue memory of rollercoaster at west ed mall), some good ideas (falling in love with my best friend).

and yes. I have fallen in love.
i dont care if people say we're too young, and we choose a really crappy time to do it (i'm moving across the country a month after he comes home for good), but i'm happy. i'm complete.
and thats all that matters, right?

to here's to a new year, a new life, a new you!
whenever you actually realize it!

i love smelling like him

2009-06-23T22:59:00.002-03:00

have you ever had that moment in your life where you just stop, look around and realize:
"this is perfection. I wish that this moment could last forever."?

yea, i had one of those moments today.. actually a couple haha.

but the biggest one was sitting with him, watching the sunset in the stillness of the evening.
just us, alone.
perfect.
peaceful.
and i look at him and think "oh man, if only this moment could last forever."

and even as im thinking this, i know that it wont.
and as soon as i blink it will all be over.

what a beautiful mess....

2009-06-21T22:59:00.003-03:00

im sorry.

sorry that i am not the best me that you think i could/should be.

sorry that we dont always get along, and the fault seems to always lie with me.

is it something that i'm doing?
something that i've said.

i honestly don't remember what the point is anymore.

what is the goal we're striving towards?

how long must this charade go on.
till one of us gives in?

you know i'd do anything,
just to let you "win".

__________________________________________________

sooo on a brighter note, I got back from my trip on friday night.

and it was legend-waitforit. dary! legenday!

just you wait till i get the pics up!

though by the third or fourth day i was getting kinda tired of being surrounded by the same 6-7 people 24/7......

i'm definitly a girl who loves her space!

away we go!

2009-06-13T08:57:00.001-03:00

i'm gonna be gone for about a week..

my whole school (well 9-12 anyways) is going on a week long bus trip to alberta/banff!!

its gonna be soo much fun, and i'm uber excited!

see ya all in a week!

what true frienship looks like..

2009-06-09T12:08:00.002-03:00

these kids have made the past year, one of the best of my life.

and yes we are running around the fair riding the kids rides, and wearing sunglasses at night..

16 days and lots of stress.... welcome to the time of your life..

2009-06-07T00:48:00.003-03:00

i conquered a fear of mine yesterday, and had the time of my life!
i went to the summer fair with 11 of my friends (who knew i had that many! lol)

and i went on nearly every ride!
its such a super awesome accomplishment 'cuz like, two years ago i wouldn't go on anything! and now the past couple years i've been getting braver and braver.

the only rides i didn't go on:
-the zipper. it was honestly built in like, the 70's and i just dont trust it!
-the starship. its just a gravitational pull, and gives me major headaches.
-the swings, or whatever they're called. i cried when i went on them last year.. i dunno i just dont like them!

but i went on the mega drop (only cuz i didn't realize what the ride actually was.. then as we're sitting at the top for like a minute and a half, i started to clue in. though i thought maybe we were stuck!), and the fireball (new fav!), and the bonzi (i dont think i could do this one again.. bruised my hands from holding on too tightly!).

all in all it was an awesome 8 hours. yes, we spent 8 hours at a summer fair! it was so much fun, cuz we got there early enough that the lines weren't that long, and we weren't rushed so we could take our time and really enjoy it!

oh, and i won a pink unicorn! <3 it!

p.s.
the title's totally random if you were wondering. just some thoughts that were in my head.. but i dont really wanna follow them tonight!

moving up, moving on, moving forward.

2009-06-04T12:54:00.002-03:00

it's all came crashing down on me,
how close i am to not being a kid anymore.

no more skipping classes to drive "downtown" for no reasons,
handing in assignments late just because i can,
spending HOURS sitting in the library just Hangin' out,
or
baking anything and everything i want to in the canteen.

my childhood is ending- or at least that's how i feel.
and i'm not sure how i honestly feel about it.

happy? excited? nervous? anxious? worried? Scared?

i think i'm feeling probably everything!
i don't really want to move on to bigger and better things for fear of failure,
but i know that i really honestly can't stay here!

so, in 21 days my life will change.
though really that day is just a formality.
my life has been changing for 18 years.

You're gonna miss this...

2009-06-02T18:13:00.003-03:00

less than 20 days..

i cant wait, to see you again.

and grad in like.. 23 days!

i'm beyond excited!

(dont we look great! <3 these kids!)

blackbird singing in the dead of night

2009-05-27T21:35:00.002-03:00

its very hard to study when there's only one thing on my mind.
constantly.
unending.

and i can't push it (or rather, him) away...

because he's my best friend, my whole world, my soulmate..
right now.

and thats what worries me.
emotions are so crazy.
so fleeting.
that my opinion of something- someone, can change in a heartbeat.
in the spilt second that it takes for me to realize.

this is way less than perfect.

but is perfect really what i want?
what i'm looking for?

or can i happily settle for less than perfect with the knowledge that it's perfect for me.....

2009-05-18T19:58:00.002-03:00

i've come to the realization that i've been writing this, as though i am actually talking to someone, as though someone is actually reading this..

but i shouldn't be.

for a number of reasons;
1) i'm pretty sure that no one is reading this blog, and that makes me sad and discouraged. Idont know why, but for some reason i need/want/ people to be reading what i write...
though what i write isn't that interesting, so what to change?
how to change?

my writing style?
what i write about?
do i need a theme for mah blog?
idk

2) i've become guarded with my feelings, my emotions, and what i've been sharing on here.
i guess because i'm starting to realize that anyone could be reading my blog, without me knowing.. so now i think about what i'm going to say more..

in short, my writing has changed, or something, and now i'm writing to no one. maybe because blogging had died within my group of friends or maybe because i've become boring...

who knows where this is going to go now?

2009-05-17T23:20:00.002-03:00

i am not having a good time...

these past few days have been pretty rough..

but am i doing it to myself? or is life just not fair.?

i don't know whats wrong with me, but i just cant stand anyone right now..
and the one person i can stand is unreachable for so many reasons....

i need to have a good cry, pull myself together, pick up the pieces, take a deep breathe and move on......

boy oh boy am I emotional

changing for the better

2009-05-16T12:34:00.002-03:00

so yesterday i was thinking about the address of my blog (sexialli.blogspot.com)

and i realized how much i've out-grown that name, and it didn't describe me at all..
at least that's how i feel.

and i can't even remember where that nickname came from anyways!

so i changed my address to toospectacularforpublic.blogspot.com

its an inside joke with one of my sisters, and i really like it..

oh, and i changed the layout too.. obviously!

have a great day!

2009-05-14T22:13:00.001-03:00

ooo
hii
hellooo
:)

i'm feeling very.. silly? today

:D
just generally happy...

but imissyou.

its been a while

2009-05-14T00:48:00.007-03:00

i feel as though i should say something.. but i'm not sure what.
i dont even know if you read my random ramblings, or even know about them, but i like to think you give it a moment of your time.

so.. hi.

i've got about a month of school left.. yay?

idk..
i'm sure i'm gonna miss this place, but right now, i. just. need. out.

and i miss him. quite terribly.
he is literally my soulmate.
and i <3 falling in love with him a little more each time we talk!

aaaand now i have nothing more to say...

other than...

im sorry

(you know who you are)

So, How Was Your Day?

2009-04-23T21:07:00.002-03:00

This is from www.shwyd.blogspot.com. it's an amazing website....
I DID NOT WRITE THIS! I ONLY FOUND IT. Just so's you all know

I knew I liked her before we'd even officially met. She'd held my broken heart together when I'd let it get crushed by my own hopes for a different relationship and somewhere during that time my affections began to shift. She was endlessly sweet and compassionate towards me when I needed her to be, always on my side when things went wrong (though I kept trying to tell her it was my fault, if anybody's), and she always knew how to make me smile. She picked on me constantly in one of those irritatingly lovable sort of ways and I loved her all the more for it.

It was kind of tragic, the day I realized I cared more for her than I should have ever let myself. It was the same situation she had helped me through months before, but now she was the reason I couldn't wait to wake up every day. I couldn't wait for the chime of my phone that signaled an incoming text message with her name in the 'from' portion and every time it came, I couldn't stop the corners of my mouth from turning up any more than I could keep my heart from skipping a beat. The only part of my day that surpassed that moment was when my phone would ring at the end of her school day and I kept her company on her drive home. We'd swap stories of our days and I'd listen as she talked about some car she'd just passed and it's qualifications for epic awesomeness. I'd chuckle at the ferocity of the road rage that could come from such an adorable person as she fumed about some idiot that simply didn't know how to drive. And I knew, I knew I was falling.

I kept it to myself for as long as I could, trying to avoid the broken heart that was sure to be inevitable at the end. I wasn't relationship material. I wasn't anybody's idea of their very own 'somebody'. But stuffing it away was suffocating me and she began to notice the change in my behavior. When asked, I couldn't lie. I told her. I told her about the way she made each day a good day just by being a part of it. I told her I was crushing. She said she already knew, assured me it wasn't going to change things. She wasn't going anywhere, and it made breathing easier.

I'll never forget the day I finally met her in an airport. My first glimpse had my heart tripping all over itself and I can't even begin to tell you the number of butterflies that just wouldn't settle. I'd seen pictures, of course, but pictures never do a person justice and nothing could prepare me for that amount of beautiful. Her smile, her eyes, her hair, her skin... everything about her. And I'll never forget that our first words face-to-face were that same teasing that she'd always displayed. She was who she'd always claimed to be and we fell into the same companionship we'd always shared. And still... I was falling.

Our time spent together wasn't nearly enough, but it's something I would never give up. And it wasn't everything I hoped it could have been, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm home now and missing her every day. She was right... nothing changed. And I'm not quite sure what to feel about that. Because while I love what we have, there's more that I want.

I'm haunted by the way her hand felt in mind, small and soft and perfect. When I close my eyes I'm trapped by her eyes, her smile, her laugh. And when I concentrate hard enough I am blessed by the memory of an unsolicited hug that warmed me to my core. And at the end of every day that's blessed just because she's in it, I find myself forever wanting more...

2009-04-16T15:26:00.003-03:00

hi.

before you say anything, just let me try to explain.

i know i've been acting weird and stupid lately.
i'm sorry.

but i dont know how this has happened or what i can do to fix it.
maybe we both just need to accept a few things?
probably.

but i cant imagine not having you in even a small part of my life.

i dont know what i would do without you here for me.

we need to talk more. but i just. cant.
i dont know what to say.
i want things to go back to how they were.
remember that? i miss back then... life's gotten too serious.

and i know that at times i have a hard time being serious or actually speaking whats on my mind, but i just want you to know:
i love you.

please dont push me away.
and if i try to push you away, dont let me.
grab me, and hold on tight.
because the last thing i want to do it leave.

Thoughts i wish i had the courage to say to you. and you. and especially you.

2009-04-11T23:41:00.004-03:00

I wish that i will someday be as happy as you.
Why can't you accept this and move on?
Please, just support me, ok? thats all i want from you
I WILL miss you. probably more than you know.
I dont miss you as much as i thought i would... and that worries me.
I'm sorry.
There are so many things i want to say to you, yet nothing seems just right...
You dont like me. thats ok. the feelings mutual and we both have to live with that.
birthdays are always disappointing. no matter what. maybe my expectations are too high?
i'm sorry.
I look at you and see everything i've ever wanted in life..
i hope you will one day be proud of me
i will miss highschool, more than i let on.
I wish it hadnt ended this way.
You are one of the most amazing people i have ever known! next year will not be nearly as fun without you.
i miss the person you used to be. i understand that things had to change,but that doesnt mean i have to accept it.
you are the most important person in my life, i'm sorry that i'm not able to show you more often.
why am i always apologizing?
sorry

2009-04-09T01:45:00.001-03:00

don't be alarmed.

i'm still alive..

that is all...

17 is just a test... well then whats 18?

2009-03-25T12:51:00.002-03:00

irritated
stressed
frustrated
emotional

feelings that are consuming me,
i want to hide them, push them away.

but they keep coming back to the surface.

why can't i let it go?
focus on the good things?
forget about the bad...

let things be,
live my life,
with him.

but i can't.
cant let myself trust him, trust people
because then i become vulnerable, and open to pain.

open to rejection.
open to love.

maybe i should just stay in bed with a good book and a cup of tea?
:)

**dont think. just do**

And I know that its so cliche to tell you that everyday, I spend with you is the new best day of my life. Everyone watching us just turns away

2009-03-20T18:22:00.004-03:00

with disgust. It's Jealously, they can see that we've got it going on..

four months.

then i will see my best friend again.

thats a long time.... basically, 120 days....?

or did i make that number up..

i know i probably sound super lame, and prolly annoy alot of people, but its crazy...
i've never felt like this before........... and no matter where it goes from here, i'm happy that this much has happened...

the next four months better go by super fast! :D

grilled cheese = <3

2009-03-15T23:20:00.003-03:00

i have a problem...

and it wont go away...

basically comes back to being scared about jumping in, and holding your breathe, hoping you wont get swept away too far...

i need some strength, some encouragement, some.. reassurance....
someone to tell me this is a good idea, and dont worry. you're really not going crazy!

confronting my fears!
that is definitly my problemo...
i dont like confrontation, rejection, or any possibility of a negative reaction towards me

man this post was supposed to be all meaningful and deep.. but i cant think! there's just one thing on my mind and it will NOT go away!!

help.....

**dont think.. just do**

wow.. i just wrote that to end off my post, as usual. and then realized. i so haven`t been doing that... maybe thats my problem..
i`m overthinking things. as usual lol.. i just need to live. breathe. love. be.

please just save me from this darkness....

2009-03-14T11:31:00.003-03:00

its been over a week....

and yet.. i have nothing to say...

maybe its cuz i've been thinking way too much lately..
yea i think thats it...

i've been on a rollercoaster of emotions this last week, and all i've been doing is screaming to be let off.

i dunno.. theres so many thoughts in my head.. and most of them i cant share with the general public (general public :D)... so now i'm stuck with these thoughts and feelings inside..... and its wrecking everything.. kay, so probably not everything.. but we all know i have a habit of exaggerating things! lol

and i'm mad.
mad that one of my best fiends is home for less than a week, and i'm only gonna get to hang with him once or twice.. life sucks.. and theres nothing i can do about that, so i know i should get over it, and have a good time while he's here......

i'm switching jobs.. in like.. a week and a half i will be a server... a morning server... which means waking up super early... but now atleast i have my nights off... so we'll see how that goes....

and i'm frustrated at how i havent had time to practice my guitar. thus i have not learnt anything new in over a month and a half............. grrr...

i'm not in a good mood at alll........

**dont think. just do**

Every memory comes on when i hear that old song that we used to sing with the words all wrong "Acadia" Mariana's Trench

2009-03-06T22:05:00.004-04:00

tea is my ultimate comfort food..
i mean i love coffee and all.. but its more for picking me and up and getting me through my day.

tea chills me out, relaxes me, and helps me focus.

my dental hygienst today was an african dude... he was really funny! and did a good job... i love when my teeth feel super clean! lol

i bought the new mariana's trench CD today.
very very good..

i would suggest listening to it.. completly different from thier 06 album though....

i dont really have much to say though....

but two posts in one day! wow....
and they're both basically about nothing lol!

i'll update this if i think of anything, but i think i'm going to go watch HIMYM (almost done season 3! lol)

**dont think. just do**