Job hunting.

Everyone hates it. If someone tells you they enjoy looking for a job, kick 'em in the shins and walk away. Because they, my friends, are lying.

There is so much stress and nerves associated with looking for a job. and why?? Everyone knows how awkward and painful it is to walk into a place and basically beg for a job.
Everyone has been there at some point, they know how it is. So why can't we get past this?

Why, by some weird social standard, is it necessary to completely hide who you really are, act completly polite and proper (when we all know you aren't), and try to bulls**t your way into a job?

Let's not waste everyone's time, just start off being you. They're gonna meet the real you sooner or later.

And sooner is always better.

Things I Have Learnt This Past Year

• People are very hypocritical. there's no sense in trying to please them
• Moving away is the best/worst thing I've done yet
• You will never be able to say "I Love You" enough- so do it, while you still can
• As much as you love someone (and will probably always love them) sometimes it just can't work
• Christmas is only a big deal when you're young. Now its just about family
• There is nothing wrong with a glass (or 2) of wine every now and then
• I have a hard time moving on
• I know that I will someday open a restaurant
• You can say you're sorry as much as you want, but in the end you'll still feel like crap
• I want to do something to change the world
• I have an intolerance to dairy
• You have to live on your own, and make mistakes, in order to realize just how messed up you are
• This whole world is a mess
• Food is very important to me
• You can't change people, only accept them how they are
• The world would be a much better place if everyone loved just a little bit more
• I can't wait for next year

It's been over 2 weeks....

I am very... what's the word? Hypocritical?

Take for instance, if i am emailing/ FB Msg-ing someone. I might take a couple days to respond, but if I don't get an answer within 12 hours, I get very irritated.

It's not like I have a constant need to be noticed or even.... bleh what am I trying to say.
I don't even know anymore.

8 more days till I'm home..
4 more exams.
2 more projects.

It's way to late to be blogging about something that makes sense. and I might have gone out with some friends too.
so yea.

I have a test in 9 hours.
that I haven't studied for.
but I haven't studied for any of this instructor's tests in the past year and a half.
so I'm not too concerned.

This is so not a post anymore.
More like a letter to someone.....

I'm very anxious about stuff. all the time.
like. how is it going to turn out.
what should I say, what should I do.
is this really what I need to be doing right now.
how do I actually feel?
Cuz I so don't want to hurt anyone again....

I should go fold my laundry

Living is different than being alive

**Disclaimer**
This is going to be a very weird post.

Most of my life, I've never felt the need to be married, to have a family of my own. I've always felt that being a part of something like that was not for me.

But lately, lately I've come to realize how much I'm looking forward to being a Mrs. ______. To have a child. To being a mommy.
and I'm only 19.
It's weird I know.

But I can't wait to be pregnant. To be connected to someone in that very unique way. To have a little person in my life, that I've helped to create, to bring into this world.

I'm not saying I'm looking to settle down right now. There is so much I want to do with my life that I know would not be possible with a child in tow.
I want to travel, I want to own my own business. I want to eat, I want to live, I want to love, try new things, see the pyramids, scuba dive, eat gelato in Italy, travel through brazil.
But I love knowing the fact that when the time comes, I will be ready. I will be excited about that next chapter in my life.

and that's what's been on my mind lately.

The truth is,

I don't know how to be in a relationship.
I'm socially awkward, so I'm not very good at the whole getting-to-know-you stage.
Not to mention, I've never really been on a date..
so yea... relationships are not my forte.

I recently made the claim that I was done with relationships for a long time.
I haven't been single for more than 2 months since... well since I started dating actually.
But I'm finding it more and more difficult being alone. I'm not used to it. Not used to having no one to share my random thoughts, and crazy emotions with.
No one to laugh with, to cry with, to lean on.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea anymore...

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:
Relationships scare me, yet I crave them.

What a conundrum

I hate sleeping alone.
And I dont mean that in a sexual way at all.

Going to bed at night, I have this feeling of being completely and totally alone.
It's cold.
It's dark.

and I just wish I had someone to cuddle with..

yea, I'm a weirdo.

Ouch, that hurt

I'll admit it.

I'm a selfish person.

I like things my way. done how I like it.
and its exactly like that in relationships too.

but i hate planning things.. does that make sense?

But anyways..

He started talking to me today.
and all I could think was "No! this isn't right. you're not supposed to be happy, over me. That's how I'm supposed to be."
Why do I feel like this, why can't we just be friends?

This is what I wanted isn't it?
Then why does it feel like my heart is tearing apart whenever we talk?

How can two people who had such a connection move backwards into the friendship stage again? I don't think you can...